She was like a cigerette

burning slowly to the end

"where will you put my ashes?"

she'd say

"No, please dont leave me in another ash trey"

but you are so small. little girl.

you have not lived.

you have not been remembered

you are just another cigerette

packed tightly in a box

waiting for your chance

your chance to live in the light

but instead, you are incinerated

you are burned to the end

in some drug addicts

lonley apartment

your ashes will scatter his floors

as he ties off the knot

over his arm one last time

as he lets the drug push through his blood

he can not escape

you can not understand

because you are just ashes

and no one girl-

there is no one there to help clean you up.

im sorry. i know its not your choice

but this is just where youll have to stay

because one day we all have to realize

that it sometimes just costs too much to love

and we leave empty souls

without a purpose

for them to burn down

and never return.

its all too much

Its all too much.

((poem by me))

So you sit there with your shaggy blonde hair scraped against your forehead

Your tear stained face - splattered with a hollow glare

Your sickly thin legs crossed

your hip bones protruding through those jeans

and with wrists like those?

frail with red and black bracelets

hanging from the bones

baby you can't hide

I know, I know its just all too much isnt it?

with your crocked smile

and those red red lips.

I have to wonder hun, is all that makeup

really doing anything for you?

or is this world just all too much to take?

Tell me girl. that you dont sit and cry in your bedroom at night

unable to sleep

tossing and turning with your stoamch growling?

Tell me girl, that you dont stuff your face when your alone

and then hide your face in that porcolin bowl for hours.

Tell me girl, that you dont drage yourself down the halls at school

fighting back tears

lugging your hollow body

its so empty

but could you ever even imagine that something SO empty could be SO heavy?

Tell me girl, that you dont stare down from the second story of your school

in hope that one day youd have the courage to fly away

and Tell me girl, that you dont

take that razor blade

and pray for the courage to slice down

deep down

through your veins

and through your bone

until your nothing but a girl

torn apart on another bathroom floor?

**&&**I know girl. I know**&&**

that its just ALL TOO MUCH.

well girls I am really sorry to say this but my ex is a complete ass hole and he has found my last 3 ana xangas....I really hate him right now....because if anyone finds them I MUST shut them down because they are supposed to remain completly secret. I'm so sick of making a new one every single month and working harder and harder to make it pretty and he has to be so dumb fucking nosey (and um he is my EX why is he in my life?!?!) he didnt even confront me about it. I heard it from a friend of his, who I am so glad he told me because my ex has no right to be reading this, its supposed to be the side of me I dont want anyone to know, except for girls who will understand like you. People like him are narrow minded, and think that I'm completly psycho. But, you cant control what others do. If he does read this, I just hope he knows this is making it all worse....its horrible...I cant believe it....I dont have any control over my life and I never will......and I odnt know if anyone will ever respect my privacy. If youd like to know the name of my new one, If you want, IM me at Bluehawaii151, or email me bluehawaii151@aol.com

ana love

*~*LeXiE*~*

GOD!

okay my friend just gave me a fear & loathing DVD - yay- that makes me estatic! I cant wait to see it! anyway today is going well! My stomach is barley growling! I think my medicine makes me less hungry kinda like the hydrocodone did...anyway my ex boyfriend is pissing me off. He is saying all this shit about me - like I only went to the hospital cause it was "cool" and the fact ashley and I went the same night was "fucked up" and I was like - "we went the same night cause we couldnt live without eachother - and yea we planned it, what did you think I tried to commit suicide on accident??" and he's so dumb. He doesnt understand ANYTHING.........and I deffinatly HATE him right now ...

well I talked to my counsler who is also ashleys counsler and she delivers messages between us about what we want to tell eachother. I'm trying to find some secret way to tell her I weigh 98 pounds, without my counsler knowing thats what I'm saying...ya know? and its hard because my counsler was anorexic so she might know what C W 98 means....any ideas? I'm trying to get creative like "I scored a 98 on my ana test" hahhahahahahaha how do u think she would get the hint??/ ana love

*~*LeXiE*~*